Truthfully, I don’t believe I have anything worth sharing that’s inside of me, but my wife would say I never shut up. I often hide behind a wall of words or make a brilliant and dazzling attempt at distracting from honesty and vulnerability with humor or in my most unfortunate states sex or rage. Slowly and painfully I am changing the reality I had come to accept by not making a choice at all for the past 38 years. I know I’ve hurt so many, abused so many friends and partners along the way, as well as myself, by not being present, mindful, and realizing the healthy choices have been there all along. I am an addict and this is who I am.
Well, today, I am just going to breath, accept, and take action, even move in the tiniest way towards what I feel I want. I’m still very much moving through a dark and unfamiliar room in this chapter of my life, but I am experiencing my emotions again, after what seems like too long. Lyrics from songs have meaning again, words in books speak to me, I am finding a healthy intimacy with friends, with like minded strangers in the rooms, and I am hungry for more health, peace, and serenity. I am no longer someone with two or three lives, compartments that function as well appointed parts, but I am discovering that I can and I am willing to relate to the world from a state of wholeness. I am excited, scared out of my mind, but it is a sober mind.
One of the most joyful byproducts is that I am singing again, and my voice is painting a map, lighting my path, and it is leading me to one conclusion. I am not done. I’m not done singing, and I know I have something inside me worth sharing with the world. I’m so scared to take Me and this true expression out into that world, because in all my years of performing I don’t think there’s a single instance of my voice conveying Me to an audience or to those casting. I make myself feel a tremendous amount of fear because of this realization. Fear of acceptance, rejection, and I am experiencing it all. My most functional response to this is “fuck yeah”, because it is the human connection I was lacking for so long. I don’t want to disconnect ever again. Will I? I’m sure, as disconnecting or checking out was how I coped for so many years, coping with all my fear and pain, and all the fear and pain I took on because of my lack of boundaries. Now, with boundaries developing, awareness intact, and options flourishing, I am ready to respond to the world and connect.
My greatest gift today, is today, this 24 hours. Another gift is my fellowship and what I take away from connecting with others in a healthy and intimate way. Even as I type “intimate” I still have so much shame and sadness around that word. I’m grateful that I am changing and finding health in openness and vulnerability. Mike M. told me about his Transcendental Meditation program and how it is simply expanding his mind, awareness, and opening him up. I’m excited to find out more, to possibly use techniques like TM, and become aware of my limitless options. In my addiction I made myself, yes, made myself feel like I was hanging from a branch on the edge of a cliff. No options, or extremely limited ones. Hold on or let go and die. I held onto my ways, and it has destroyed almost everything good that came into my life. I’m grateful to be aware of my choices, my reality, and that I can see beyond my addiction. I know I will grow, change, and become more of what I have always longed to be. It is not easy, I am so afraid, feel so overwhelmed and make myself feel like no single person would want to connect with me because of what I am or what I’ve become. There’s no explanation, there’s no solid answer to the “why” of my addiction, and I just have to accept that, accept it all, and keep moving, one step at a time, towards a higher plane. I really want this, I desire this more than anything else, and I want to find a place to inhabit where I can say to the world, “this is who I am. I’m not perfect. I am making progress, and I am willing to accept the world on the world’s terms.”